Written By: Leann Borneman, LCSW CST
Being a mom is an honor and something I have always wanted. You hear all these stories and experiences of what motherhood is or isn’t but one thing that was never mentioned or discussed growing up was the guilt you experience as a mom.
Collectively it is impossible for me to assume all moms feel guilt, but recent polls and surveys on mental health and the associations of being a mom, have found that many express feelings of guilt.
If I was filling out those surveys today, I would also be marking down an experience with guilt. It’s a feeling like there is a rope that is attached to both wrists and both left and right side are just as equally important in giving your time, energy, and love to and when you are pulled in one direction, you feel guilt for not giving to the other side.
Many people who identify as moms will experience guilt on if they are being the best or even sometimes, if they are meeting what they deem is the bare minimum within their role as mom. We put ourselves under a microscope and use media, society, culture, friends, and family to predict if we are doing things right or wrong. We get caught up on all the things we feel we aren’t doing right or enough of and maybe not doing as well as we think we should. This is a cycle that leads to a disconnect from yourself and your identity as mom, ultimately impacting your mental health.
I write this because being a mom sometimes feels like such a struggle, and the expectations we are placing on ourselves or expectations that others place on us has an impact on how we experience guilt.
Is this really the only experience I can have with guilt? Is the only option to feel like I am giving my all sometimes to only feel like I should have more to give? Just recently, I challenged everything I know and asked; “is feeling guilt such a bad thing?” Well, after careful reflection I say it is not. You may be asking, how in the world could feeling and living with guilt be good? Well, it means I am not just thinking of myself. I am so loving, caring, and compassionate towards my kids, I wonder often if what I am doing is going to be helpful or harm their success. It is a reminder of where my values and beliefs stand and that I am not being given the opportunity to be my authentic self or my comfortable self at times. The way I have allowed myself to view or define what it means to be guilty, has and will continue to be the predictor on how I feel. Guilt for me no longer will be a negative experience when it comes to being a mom.
How we perceive things determines how we feel. Perceptions come from experience including the experience of interacting with media and our culture that can easily be internalized and used to harm us. So, what narrative will you write for yourself as mom and what perceptions are you willing to challenge?
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