Struggling with Diminished desire? Let’s look at biology!

Written by: Leann Borneman, LCSW CST

You come home from work, or you partner comes home from work, you have dinner, get the kids to bed if you have kids, maybe clean up the house a bit, take your shower and then get into bed. Your partner turns to you and begins to caress your back, kiss your shoulder. Your response, “I am just too tired/I am not in the mood”.

This response is all too common and you aren’t alone. The issue, is the pressure we place on ourselves as women when it happens and the pressure our partners also can place on us either because they think we need to fix this “issue”, or you take on the pressure due to guilt in not being able to please your partner.

We are talking, diminished desire. So many of my clients want to have sex or be intimate but at the same time they are exhausted and the idea of intimacy is too daunting. This causes confusion. There is a disconnect. Diminished desire usually stems from a variety of factors, not just one. It is always important to work with a professional to process your emotions through this experience.

I want to allow you to feel a little less judgmental towards yourself and validated after reading this, either as someone who is experiencing diminished desire or you are a partner of someone who is experiencing diminished desire. I want to talk about two biological reasons that could be impacting your desire. DISCLAIMER- this is not something that is cured over night and takes work not just of the person experiencing it but also the support of the partner(s).

One thing to first note is if you are in a long-term relationship there is a biological factor that deserves attention, it is called the Limerence phase and during this phase there are a lot of hormones at play impacting desire. This phase lasts anywhere between 6 months to 2 years and is responsible for that feeling of being really excited, that hot and heavy feeling when you see your partner. A lot of people automatically assume that there is something wrong with them because they once were able to achieve this and it no longer is there, which science proves in normal thanks to the findings and understanding of the Limerence phase. So how do you challenge this? Scheduling intimacy is a good start. Many clients first reaction when I tell them to schedule sex is, “that isn’t spontaneous”. What if I told you anytime you have sex for the most part it truly is never spontaneous. It is well orchestrated. The lead up, the touching, the nice night out ect. If the natural fire is no longer burning, we have to take control and reclaim our autonomy around our sexuality. This can be done in stages and would be helpful to work with a professional to reflect your experiences.

The other important biological factor that could be impacting your desire is sleep. If you are struggling with sleep, experience insomnia, this could be a reason influencing diminished desire. Sleep is needed for many reasons and when we aren’t getting enough sleep our cortisol levels (stress hormone) increases and with higher level of cortisol this impacts our perceptions, specifically what we normally would find sexy. Research has shown that increased cortisol levels impacts our ability to see things we normally find sexy. Trying to set a bedtime routine, picking a firm bed time that you can stick by and a wake-up time is a good first start. It is important to seek support from a professional if sleep becomes an issue and you are experiencing insomnia.

If you can tell, there is a theme here. The reasons discussed above that could be impacting diminished desire is something that is normal, making you normal for this experience. It is important to note that there are many other reasons that could be impacting your diminished desire and working with a professional that is knowledgeable on diminished desire is a huge help in building empowerment, validation and action for both you and your partner(s). And remember, you are normal!!!!