Written by Leann Borneman, LCSW CST
Do you find yourself dreading the idea of having sex with your partner like you dread the dishes? Do you then feel guilty or confused why you are feeling the same way about sex as you do your dishes? Let’s unpack!
ADHD is a neurological disorder that interferes with executive functioning which is the brains way of achieving goals. One of the areas ADHD can affect a person is trying to initiate and complete a task. We don’t commonly think or refer to sex as a task, but it’s just that, a task. It can be very frustrating when you enjoy your partner(s), want your partner(s) but struggle with the execution of getting to the bedroom with your partner(s). This alone can cause individuals to feel broken, insecure and guilt.
A study done in 2020 looked at desire in adults with ADHD. Of the 129 adults they found that females with ADHD reported significantly lower sexual desire, arousal and orgasm when compared to females without ADHD (Jabalkandi, 2020). It is not known with one hundred percent certainty what about ADHD is causing this, but if we look at a common experience such as task initiation in ADHDer’s it could be suggested as another variable when experiencing low desire with ADHD. Let’s focus on two possible reasons in avoiding the task of sex and one of the best ways of making change.
Feeling like you will fail
Struggling with task initiation can come from a place of predicting failure. If you are experiencing insecurities about your ability in pleasing your partner, or perceive you are failing to be the person you expect yourself to be or your partner(s) may expect in the bedroom, this can cause you to become disconnected and therefor lack desire in being intimate with your partner(s).
It’s not enjoyable
Task initiation can be very hard but there is some relief when there is enjoyment associated with the task. Sex needs to be set up to ensure your pleasure is being met. If it is not, it’s going to be very hard to want to show up. Remember, sex is a task and if your investment of energy and attention is not met with feeling fulfilled it will be replaced with dread.
So, what can you do? Communicate!!!
Communication
Communication can be scary and sometimes you may not know how to do this effectively. Good news, you don’t have to do it alone. Working with a professional either individually or with your partner(s) can help strengthen your communication. Always remember, we are not mind readers (I wish we were) so it is important to communicate your concerns and needs with your partner.
ADHD affects all domains of our lives, including our relationship and sex. It is important to be able to identify how your ADHD is showing up in your relationship and then exploring how to set your environment up for success, set your sex up for success.
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