Written by Leann Borneman, LCSW CST
Being a clinician with ADHD myself, I understand the complexities of ADHD and how hard it can be living in a neurotypical world functioning on a neurodivergent level. Thankfully, we live during a time that more people are becoming educated on ADHD, and with the increase in education we are increasing the discussion surrounding having ADHD and the barriers it can bring.
One thing however still not discussed enough, and even researched enough, is ADHD and sex. For many adults, sex is a very important part of our lives, yet somehow, we don’t talk enough about ADHD and the impact this can have on our time in the bedroom. Many of my clients have a diagnosis of ADHD and never thought about how their ADHD finds its way in the bedroom. It does not discriminate and can lead to an increase of shame, guilt, insecurities, and anxiety.
While we have overcome a lot in research and society becoming more supportive with mental health, we still make many assumptions and generalizations about ADHD which can be very harmful to those of us who have ADHD. ADHD is a spectrum, everyone who has it will present a bit differently. Here are some of the more common struggles when it comes to sex and having ADHD.
ADHDers often will struggle with maintaining focus. This can look like rushing foreplay, getting bored/ distracted during sex and even difficulty reaching an orgasm. A good example of this, is trying to stay in the moment and you begin to think about all the dishes that are still in the sink. You now are no longer present, and your mind is with the dishes.
Our mood and desire can change suddenly, affecting the ability to stay in the moment.
ADHDers can struggle with being hypersensitive to sensory stimulation. This can cause some conflict for individuals as some sensations that may feel good for our partner(s) may feel very irritating, too sensitive, or even uncomfortable for you. Sensory can be anything from touch, sound, smell. Even silence can become too overly stimulating causing a disconnect.
Hyperactivity can cause a struggle to relax and get in the mood.
People with ADHD can be prone to either being Hypersexual or Hyposexual.
Sexual stimulation releases endorphins that help to reduce the restlessness caused by our ADHD. This can lead individuals with ADHD to unknowingly seek sex more to get this relief. This is called Hypersexuality.
We may have a Hyposexual drive due to sensory issues or the experience of low self-esteem. Low sex drive can also be a side effect of stimulant medications. Please discuss this with your provider.
It can become very overwhelming to experience any of these, but more so when you or your partner(s) may not understand or know what is causing the disconnect. Patience and communication are very important when exploring your sexuality and the struggles ADHD can cause to our pleasure.
Trying to change this is going to vary from person to person, since ADHD is on a spectrum. Therefore, working with a Sex therapist who specializes in ADHD is going to be helpful in creating the change you deserve. You are not alone, you are seen and heard!
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